McCartney V McCartney?

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It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.





News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"





"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"





After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.





It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.





Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".





Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"





Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.








--------------------------------------...





A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says, "try Paul McCartney"


Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:


I lay upon a grassy bank


My hands were all a quiver


I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river





These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.





Sir Paul offered the gold-digging b*tch a £20,000,000 settlement. Her lawyer advised her to take the money and run. She tried... and fell over.

McCartney V McCartney?
Giggles...... funny!!! 10/10
Reply:Cruel, as the jokes were, you have a great sense of humour.
Reply:thanks for the laugh.
Reply:i once pulled a bird with 1 leg but did not notice it. we got back to her place %26amp; she went upstairs saying "follow me up in 5 minutes"


i went up %26amp; she was lying on the bed %26amp; i said "where's your other leg?"


"over there on the dressing table" she replied


so i said "has one of my exes been telling you how wide you have to spread your legs?"
Reply:The previous Mrs.MsCartney was good for a few laughs too........What do you call a dog with wings?
Reply:do you also find it funny that kids have lost their limbs to meningitis. would you make a joke of it. i can laugh at most things but not disability.



scooter

A stranger played footsie with me at the movies?

I was with my boyfriend and this guy sat next to me at the movies 3 weeks ago.The movie is playing and all of the sudden I feel tickling on my stocking foot and it went on for 5 minutes.I thought it was an accident but it started again the stranger next to me was playing footsie with me!I wasnt sure what to do I didn't want to make a scene so I moved my foot over but he reached to touch my foot some more.But I was getting turned on a little bit because it was dangerous.So I took off my shoe and played back I was really getting horny because this was so taboo.We spent the rest of the movie fondling each others feet did this stranger uncover a hidden foot fetish?Should I tell my boyfriend?

A stranger played footsie with me at the movies?
if ur boyfrind did that with a girl while he was sitting next to u what will b ur reaction !
Reply:I think you should leave it alone, and don't go in for cheap tactics like this. It would have just been a one time thing with no meaning anyway and you would have felt used. Ignore those things. Ask your boyfriend to move down a seat, or something.
Reply:You've written this crap before.


I'm on to you now.
Reply:You obviously like having your feet played with. If you like it, tell your boyfriend and let him play.
Reply:CAUTION !! You may have opened the door to a stalker
Reply:you sound really cool and normal to me... playing footsie with a stranger is harmless as long as it ends there. as far as telling your boyfriend i wouldnt but just try it with him sometime at dinner or something then you will know if you really have a foot fetish
Reply:No! That sounds ******* hot! You should have whispered to him to meet you in the bathroom during the movie and done him!
Reply:I don't think you have a foot fetish I think it was more the thrill of getting caught. Kind of like the thrill an exibitionist has. On the other hand would like it if your boyfriend was doing that with a girl sitting next to him
Reply:No it was just a omne time thing.
Reply:...be glad "he" didn't offer you some of his "buttered" popcorn
Reply:cool! you bad bad girl.....;]



sweating

What NOT to Get Your Dog for Christmas?

1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.





2. A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.





3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.





4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.





5. Anything Garfield.





6. A remote control for the refrigerator door.





7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle.





8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.





9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you.





10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year.





11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.





12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight.





13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.





14. His own i-pets.com credit card.





15. A cat.

What NOT to Get Your Dog for Christmas?
quite funny indeed.
Reply:Rambling Rose thank you for the points and you're welcome. Report It

Reply:is it just me that is wondering what this is doing in the jokes and riddles section???
Reply:Very funny.LoL
Reply:good...
Reply:a dog is not just for christmas...
Reply:will take this when i go shopping


starred
Reply:I like it hahaha
Reply:Brilliant lol


well done


star
Reply:hehehe, excellent list hun, pmsl





star time





xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reply:Lol, some of them were quite funny I suppose, but they could be better.



sunburn

This is just classic!?

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are





facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her





false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.








News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his





wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught





over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an





earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really





stumped"








"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she needs





all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a





relationship like this"








After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider





going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called





her Heather.








It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the





marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an





agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to





stand on.








Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may





have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to





get her leg over".








Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the





cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get





home at night and find her legless"








Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that





Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for





Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.








A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate





"I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try





Paul McCartney"








Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:





I lay upon a grassy bank





My hands were all a quiver





I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river








These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she





has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill





her shoe.

This is just classic!?
to protect yourself from the 'Yahoo Police' you should ask a ? try - isn't this just a .....
Reply:Little funny
Reply:nice cheerful thoughts for the day.
Reply:nice
Reply:that isnt funny %26gt;yawn%26lt; its boring



skin rashes

Why did Larry Craig get into trouble for simply asking the guy next door for some tp?

Obviously, he was out of toilet paper, so he gestured to the guy in the next stall to give up a few squares by putting his hand under the wall, and by tapping his shoe to get his attention.





If this is a crime, then..whatever.





Craig did nothing wrong, in fact it was the the airport maintenance people's fault for not keeping the bathrooms stocked with enough paper for the atendees.

Why did Larry Craig get into trouble for simply asking the guy next door for some tp?
SO WHY DID HE ADMIT GUILT HAHA





HE'S ALREADY STATED HE'S GUILTY
Reply:what he plead guilty to was not soliciting for sex, but disorderly conduct. I think he plead guilty so that he wouldn't have to have his name associated with what they have eventually gone ahead and called it anyway. I am still trying to figure out what he did wrong, tapped his foot...ran his hand under the edge of the stall. He didn't touch the guy, didn't say anything, didn't disrobe...can you really be arrested for tapping your foot in the restroom?





It's crazy, and it's politically motivated.
Reply:He pled guilty.





That's pretty much self explanatory.
Reply:I'm baffled too. Doesn't everybody (at least in Idaho) ask for T.P. by sliding their foot under the partition and rubbing the foot of the guy in the nest stall and saying "Could you give me a little help?"?





You forgot to point out that it was Clinton's fault.
Reply:Oh right! That's it! He just wanted some toilet paper. Give me a break! This is not his first time in this situation, there are reports going back several years of similar behavior





He was also caught peeping on the guy through the cracks in the stall door. He plead guilty and tried to use his position to get out of the situation
Reply:I know. It's ridiculous. He just wanted to wipe his butt, for God's sake. Is that a crime?
Reply:The arrest log:





Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who was investigating allegations of sexual conduct in airport restrooms, went into a stall shortly after noon on June 11 and closed the door.





Minutes later, the officer said he saw Craig gazing into his stall through the crack between the door and the frame.





After a man in the adjacent stall left, Craig entered it and put his roller bag against the front of the stall door, "which Sgt. Karsnia's experience has indicated is used to attempt to conceal sexual conduct by blocking the view from the front of the stall," said the complaint, which was dated June 25.





The complaint said Craig then tapped his right foot several times and moved it closer to Karsnia's stall and then moved it to where it touched Karsnia's foot. Karsnia recognized that "as a signal often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct," the complaint said.





Craig then passed his left hand under the stall divider into Karsnia's stall with his palm up and guided it along the divider toward the front of the stall three times, the complaint said.





The officer then showed his police identification under the divider and pointed toward the exit "at which time the defendant exclaimed `No!'" the complaint said.





The Aug. 8 police report says Craig handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a member of the Senate.





"What do you think about that?" Craig is alleged to have said, according to the report.
Reply:Ya right!!!



car makes

Here are 50 uses for condoms enjoy?

Who said there aren't perfectly good uses for used condoms? I can give you at least 50 that are sure to be great examples...


Bicycle handle grips.





French tickler animals.





Shower caps for people with tiny heads.





Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.





Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.





Get 1000 and make a submarine.





Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.





Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.





Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.





Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.





Water wings for those non-swimmers.





Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.





Jello molds.





Finger puppets.





A wind sock.





Use as a bobber when fishing.





Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.





Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.





Suspenders.





Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)





Small animal muzzle.





Put them on your fingers %26amp; play proctologist.





Put them on your toes to make swim fins.





Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.





Automatic door closing devices.





Have 'water' balloon fights.





Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.





Freeze them for an all- natural Popsicle.





Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.





Use for a Xmas stocking for those times when coal doesn't tell 'em just


how bad they screwed up this year.





Ear/nose plugs.





Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".





Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.





Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.





Paint scales on them %26amp; put them in a fish tank.





"I challenge you to a duel!"





Drain plugs.





Put them in with your tax return.





Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.





Punching bags.





Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.





Send 50 of them to your ex-girlfriend.





Novelty key rings.





Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.





Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.





Break out your paints and make wax fruit.





Put them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.





Make a "water" bed.





Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!





Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

Here are 50 uses for condoms enjoy?
you know... i am sorry but these were not funny at all!
Reply:did u make these up all by yourself?
Reply:kinda funny but gross, especially the jello mold part, I mean they are USED.
Reply:Yawn


U must be a rich man to have so much time to come up with 50 different uses.


Next time make it something that doesn't take 15 minutes to read
Reply:what an idiot
Reply:I must say, some of those are pretty funny!
Reply:or put lotion in them and leave them in public parks - the lotion looks like the real deal :(
Reply:huh
Reply:hahahahaha pretty goood those are thumbs way up man rofl
Reply:haha good ones! Did you know they are also great for pregnancy prevention!!?
Reply:i thought they were really funny, i got caught at the office while laughing at them, but my boss was too embarrassed after he read a couple and forgot to yell at me :)



flower

What was the cost of the stuffers before taxes?

The old lady who lived in a shoe was having some real trouble buying Christmas presents for her enormous family. Although she bought the least expensive stocking stuffers she could find, the bill was high. Of course, both a 15 percent sales tax and a 5 percent luxury tax were added to the original price. She paid a total of $100. What was the cost of the stuffers before taxes?

What was the cost of the stuffers before taxes?
Sure sounds like a homework question.





That said, the original price was $100/1.2, or $83.33. Add 20% tax to that and you get $100.





You might get some answers of $80, but that's not correct. 20% of $80 is $16, so she'd only have paid $96 total, not $100.



car audio